You are sitting in the second chair in a small exam room. Your partner has been dreading this appointment for a week. The doctor asks how things are going, your partner says "fine, mostly," and you feel the whole visit slipping away. You want to say something. You are not sure what, or whether you should.

This is a script for that moment, written for spouses and partners who want to help raise drug-free depression options with a doctor without taking over the conversation.

Why the doctor's room is the right place

Our survey asked 443 people in ten Midwest states which voice would be likeliest to steer them toward a new depression treatment. Their own doctor won, named by roughly three quarters, 74 percent. A friend or relative drew 18 percent. Relatives by marriage or blood of a veteran or someone in police, fire or EMS, 156 people, gave their doctor 73 percent. The figures are final, and the gap is too wide to be a rounding story.

So the goal of this script is not to persuade your partner. It is to make sure the right question gets asked of the person whose answer they will actually trust.

The question itself matters, too. In the same survey, 64 percent said they cared about a medication-free treatment, and only 25 percent knew what TMS, one of the main drug-free treatments, even is. Doctors are busy, and if nobody brings it up, the conversation often defaults to the next prescription.

Before the appointment: agree on your role

Do this at home, a day or two ahead. It is the most important part of the script.

  • Ask: "Do you want me in the room, or would you rather I wait?"
  • Ask: "If you get stuck, do you want me to jump in, or stay quiet unless you look at me?"
  • Agree on one goal: "Can we make sure we at least ask about options that aren't another medication?"

Then write down, together, every antidepressant your partner has tried, the dose, roughly how long, and what happened. Insurers that cover TMS usually want this history, and doctors use it to judge what comes next.

In the room: opening lines

If your partner opens the topic, great. If they freeze, here are lines you can use that keep them at the center.

"Can I add something? We've been talking at home, and I think one thing on their mind is that the medications haven't done enough."
"They've mentioned wanting to try something that isn't another pill. Is that a reasonable thing to explore?"

Then stop talking. Look at your partner. Let them pick it up. A few seconds of silence is fine.

The core questions

These can come from either of you. Your partner asking them is better, but a list in your hand is a good backup.

  • "What are the options for depression that don't involve medication?"
  • "Would TMS be reasonable in this situation? Why or why not?"
  • "Do the medications already tried meet what insurance usually requires for TMS?"
  • "Is therapy part of the plan, and can you refer us to someone who has openings?"
  • "If we try a drug-free route, should the current medication stay the same for now?"

That last question matters. Nobody should stop a medication on their own because a new treatment is on the table. Any change should come from the prescriber.

If the doctor mentions esketamine

Spravato, the brand name of esketamine, is a nose spray the FDA has approved for depression that has resisted treatment; a certified clinic gives it and monitors the patient afterward. Some people reasonably choose it, but it is a medication. If drug-free was the goal, it is fine to say so:

"We'd like to understand that one too, but can you also walk us through the options that don't involve a drug?"

If you have heard about ketamine treatments done at home, ask about those separately. None has FDA approval for depression, and a doctor can explain how they differ from the supervised option. Brain Recovery Centers has a page on that supervised Spravato option as well.

If the answer is "let's just adjust the dose"

Sometimes that is the right call. You can still ask for reasoning without being combative:

"That makes sense. If this doesn't help, what would be the next step, and would a drug-free option be on the list?"

This leaves a door open and gets the drug-free question into the chart for next time.

Practical questions a partner is well placed to ask

You may be the one who handles the calendar, the car, or the insurance portal. These are fair questions for you to raise:

  • "If it's TMS, how many visits a week, and for how long?"
  • "Can they drive themselves afterward?"
  • "Is there a provider you'd recommend that's in our network and not too far from home?"
  • "Who handles the prior authorization, your office or the provider?"

These are not side issues. In our survey, 85 percent of respondents ranked insurance coverage among their two leading provider priorities, and 43 percent said the same of being close to home. For a treatment that often means weekday sessions over four to six weeks, those details decide whether a course gets finished.

After the appointment

On the drive home, resist the urge to debrief everything at once. Ask one question: "How do you feel about what the doctor said?" Then listen. Write down any referrals, names, or phone numbers while they are fresh, and offer to make the calls if your partner wants that.

If nothing changed this time, getting the question asked out loud still counts as progress.

A few boundaries

This script is about communication, not medicine. It does not tell you what treatment your partner should have, and no treatment is certain to help. Whether TMS or anything else is suitable is for your partner and their clinician to decide.

If your partner says suicide is on their mind, or their safety frightens you, skip the wait for the next visit. Call or text 988, together or on your own, and the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline will put a trained counselor on with you at any hour.

Methodology

Pollfish's consumer panel hosted this survey, which ended June 23, 2026 with 443 people having finished. Respondents were 18 to 64 and resided in Illinois, Kansas, Iowa, Wisconsin, Missouri, Minnesota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Nebraska, or Indiana. Pollfish's validation made these results final. The study was commissioned and funded by the publisher of this article.